


Quiet in person, Loud in mind.

by mizunokokyu



Category: Dorohedoro
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Guilt, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:01:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24946528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizunokokyu/pseuds/mizunokokyu
Summary: Shin has leftover doubts from Noi's choice when she decided to save him.Eventually, it built up into guilt. Something he's never been able to let go of.It’s been years but he still feels bad about it. He keeps his mouth shut though, sure that Noi would hit him if he brings it up once more and doubts what she said.
Relationships: Noi & Shin (Dorohedoro), Noi/Shin (Dorohedoro)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	Quiet in person, Loud in mind.

**11:27 pm.**

Shin hasn’t really thought about it lately, but now, laying in his room alone & having no jobs to do as of late, his mind is beginning to wander.

He always tried to preoccupy himself to help him focus on something, and he tried that. For the first few days. Now he has nothing to do because he completed everything he wanted and needed to, leaving him lying on his couch while watching TV, drinking beer and eating leftover food from his fridge.

The topic he didn’t really want to think about was his partner, Noi. Not because he didn’t like her, in fact it was the very opposite of it. He would rather have no partner than be partnered with anyone else besides her.

Most times however, his mind thought about his feelings towards Noi. He’s sure it’s love, but he’s also sure that he won’t ever act on it. Noi’s hard to read, sometimes she’ll be flirty with him but then she’ll play it off as them being friends and her goofing off. He doesn’t mind though, it’s very… Noi.   
Then he thinks about the day she failed her devil exam. This is the one he tries to avoid thinking about but it always happens regardless. They’ve talked about it and Noi repeated herself over and over that she doesn’t regret it. Doesn’t regret using her magic, failing the exam, saving  _ him _ .

It’s been years but he still feels bad about it. He keeps his mouth shut though, sure that Noi would hit him if he brings it up once more and doubts what she said.

Tomorrow they had planned to go out into the city to check out some shops they haven’t been to in a while and to eat at their favorite restaurant.  
He decided to go to bed and hope his thoughts would let him sleep fast instead of letting him writhe with guilt in his chest before passing out.

* * *

**8 am.**

Shin was standing outside the gate to En’s mansion, waiting for Noi. He checked his watch to make sure he didn’t get the time wrong before hearing Noi call out to him. He turned his head and saw her running towards him in a casual outfit, not her usual tracksuit, all smiles and energy as usual.

He looked at how her hair bounced and how beautiful it was with the sun reflecting off of it.

He remembers how less bouncy it was when they were younger, how straight it was instead. It was still beautiful. He remembers the little horns peeking out from under her hair.

He looks away and tells Noi to hurry up and follow him as he begins to walk.

**9 am.**

They enter their favorite restaurant and sit at their usual table. Their menus are given to them and both him and Noi take a look, wanting to order something different than their usual meals.

Noi orders pasta, lobster bisque, steak with some sides and a salad. Shin orders an omelette, 5 chicken wings, soup, and some fruits. They both share wine.

He eats fast, as was habit at this point, and neither started conversation as they both hungrily gorged on their food.   
Sometimes he’d glance up to look at Noi, softly smiling at the absolute delight on her face as she ate the different meals next to her, savoring each one but not for long.

She always had that look whenever she ate, honestly. She loved food, almost a bit more than he did. He remembered when they were younger and ate at the ramen shop that no matter which one she’d get she’d always enjoy it. When she got her horns and tail, he would see her tail wag a little as she ate and he always had to look away to stop from laughing cause it was cute.

Even now he could still see it, the tail wagging behind her. His smile drops and he casts his eyes downward to look at his food as he continued to eat, forcing himself since his appetite seemed to lose itself.

**11:30 am.**

They stop by one of the shops Noi likes to get her clothes from. They’re usually custom-made for her and take about a week or two to be done as they want the highest quality for one of the most important customers they have.  
This time though, Noi was simply looking at what they had in stock, not really interested in getting something custom made since she didn’t like waiting for designs to be made up and for them to take measurements in case they changed.

She showed Shin different tops, outfits, boots, etc. asking him what he thought about them. He didn’t really care, honestly, cause Noi looked good in whatever she wore. Even if it was a bloodied up tracksuit. Still, though, he tried to give decent opinions on each one to satisfy her.

She told him that she’d go to the fitting room to try out some of the clothes, he waved his hand in dismissal as he turned to look around the shop.

The clothes they had really didn’t fit his style, but he could see the appeal to some of them.

He walked around a bit more and found a cape? Coat? Thing… ah, there was a hood attached, though it was less a hood and more like a partial helmet… who the hell would wear a thing like this? Shin grimaced as he thought about anyone wearing it and shook his head. He took a look at the coat-ish part though and reached out. It felt soft and the ends of it were kind of tattered. The color reminded him of Noi’s old coat she used to wear with that stupid impractical armor.

He frowned and let go of the clothing as he wondered why she even wore that with the armor, it seemed more of a hassle to take it on and off with some coat around it.

He wondered if Noi ever thought about taking the devil exam again then quickly pushed the thought out of his mind as she came out of the fitting room, ready to buy and then leave.

They left the store and began to aimlessly walk as they chatted about whatever. Mostly Noi though. Shin wondered why Noi didn’t try to take the devil exam again after she had healed him. He knew better than to ask, he didn’t want to ruin her good mood so he stayed silent and smiled at her at appropriate times during her long spiel about something.

**1 pm.**

They entered a different shop to look for new sneakers… well, Shin was looking for new sneakers since his old ones were beginning to fall apart, much to his dislike.  
They had previously checked 2 other stores and he didn’t like any of the sneakers there. Third time’s a charm, he supposes.

Shin looks at different shoes, he preferred to get the same brand of sneakers and this shop seemed to have a decent amount of designs from the same brand too. Noi helps and points at things she thinks he might like and admittedly he does like some of them but he wants something that really clicks.

It took a while but Shin found a pair that he really liked. He showed them to Noi to get an opinion and she said she liked them too. He smiled and purchased them, opting to change out of his old sneakers already.

Once he got his new shoes on, he put his old ones in the box. He felt nostalgic looking at them though. He remembers buying them with En and Noi when En made him stop wearing that shabby looking shirt and shorts.

Noi was more energetic that time around, bouncing from one end of the store to another despite still wearing that impractical and dumb armor, suggesting different shoes for Shin to buy but he didn’t like any of them too much. Eventually, Noi picked out the ones he wore for the next 10 years.

His heart hurt and he wasn’t sure if it was because he was sad he’s putting his old pair away or if it’s cause he knew she deserved to become a devil. He decided to not dwell on it and left the store with her.

**2:30 pm.**

They arrive back at the mansion, both bidding each other farewell as they went to their own rooms.  
Shin put the shoebox with his old pair in them in the closet, changed into more comfortable clothes and decided to go watch some TV.

He laid down on the couch as the TV played whatever program he left it on the previous night, having it as background sound while his thoughts grabbed most of his attention.

His thoughts wouldn’t shut up, no matter what he did. He tried to drag it away from guilt only for it to slowly go back to it. He tried to reassure himself that Noi doesn’t hate him for blowing her chances of becoming a devil, that she doesn’t care like she said. It doesn’t work.

He groaned and lowered the volume of the TV as he turned to his side, facing the back of the couch and forced himself to sleep. At least if he was unconscious he wouldn’t have to listen to whatever garbage his mind was throwing at him.

**4:45 pm.**

He wakes up in cold sweat, jolted from sleep.

He had a bad dream, he can’t remember what about though. He’s sure it has to do with either Noi or his father. This time, he hopes it was his father.

He turns the TV off and checks the time, sees that it isn’t too late, he decides to change into his workout clothes and head to the gym. Hoping to blow off some steam.

**4:58 pm.**

He decided to work on the punching bag, wanting to actually hit something rather than doing deadlifts or pull ups.  
He stretched and got himself ready, making sure that he was warmed up enough before he decided to start.  
He focused on getting his punches in, solid against the bag, making sure his fingers were properly curled up into the palm of his hand as he kept throwing blow after blow. He didn’t stand still though, he moved and dodged and threw some kicks in too.

This helped him keep his mind clear for a while. Only for a while.

He took a break and drank some water, and wondered what Noi was doing. That was his mistake. The simple thought of Noi sent it spiraling to different memories they had together. Conversations, good and bad. To when they goofed off, were successful on missions, got drunk, got mad at each other. Everything.

Then it got to that one part he hated. His guilt. Guilt turned into anger and he got up and started to have a go with the punching bag again, hitting harder this time.  
Each hit swung the punching bag more and more as his thoughts quickly got out of control.

Why didn’t she retake the devil exam? Did she know that she could retake it? That she still had the option to become a devil even if it was going to take a bit longer? Was she  _ really _ okay with giving up her devilhood? Did she even care in the first place? It seemed to matter so much more before. Why did she even bother to save him? He was okay with dying,  _ more than okay. _ He was nothing. Just some fucked up half-breed scum that came from Hole. She had the chance to become absolutely everything. A being with pure power that was unrivaled to normal sorcerers. And she threw it away. For garbage like him.

He hit faster, he couldn’t tell if he was holding his breath. He felt his anger and frustration building up more and more. His knuckles started to hurt. He was sure he broke the skin from punching too hard and too fast.

At last, he had enough. He ran back to the bench, where he left his water bottle and hammer, grabbed the hammer and ran back at the swinging punching bag. In one, swift and hard blow, he hit it and broke it off it’s chain, tearing it open and letting the contents inside spill out on the ground.

**5:18 pm.**

It thundered loudly across the quiet gym when it fell to the floor and Shin clutched at his chest, feeling his heart trying to pound itself out of his ribcage.  
He dropped his hammer and fell onto one knee, panting hard. Sweat was dripping down from his nose to the floor… wait… he can’t be sweating that much? It’s dripping too fast.  
He wiped his face with his other hand, clearing out the sweat but it was still dripping onto the floor… ah. It’s tears. He was crying.

He felt his anger flare as he bit his lip hard enough for blood to be drawn and slammed his fist down onto the floor and grit his teeth. He stayed like that for a few minutes before picking up his hammer and gathering what he brought with him and quickly made his way back to his room, hoping he wouldn’t run into anyone.

He finally felt the anger wash away and was replaced with shame and guilt as he walked back.

**5:25 pm.**

Once in his room, he quickly closed the door and locked it, pressing his back to it and slowly slid down, letting go of his things once he sat on the floor.  
He curled up into a ball and bit his lip as hard as he could as he quietly sobbed, letting his pent up feelings pour out.

* * *

**5:18 pm.**

Noi was on her way to work out, feeling a little restless from not having to do any jobs for a while.

That was when she heard a loud boom from the gym and she immediately ran there, ready to get into action and beat up some baddies.

When she got there though, all she saw was Shin holding his hammer and clutching his chest, the punching bag on the floor and broken. She watched him as he dropped his hammer and fell to his knee and stayed like that. She saw sweat drip from his face then saw him wipe his face. Something was still dripping though… she couldn’t figure it out fast enough before she saw him slam his fist on the floor and stay like that for a few minutes.

She wanted to ask what was wrong, why he was angry, but she still kept seeing something fall to the floor. It took her a while, but she realized that Shin was most likely crying.

Before she could even say anything, he got up and grabbed his things, quickly walking away back to his room. All she could do was stare at his fading figure and frown, wondering if the reason he seemed off the entire day was also the reason why he cried.


End file.
